TW. Because I understand that other loss parents may find this hard to read. I don’t want to upset anyone or bring back trauma.
My baby is dead.
He isn’t sleeping, he isn’t “at rest”, he certainly isn’t in a “better place” because the best place would be here, with us. He is dead.
I understand dead babies make people feel uncomfortable. I know it’s hard to hear. It’s taken me almost five months to be able to write the words and even thinking them feels wrong. *Edit* it’s now 8mths and I’m just able to think about posting this.
Fundamentally the idea of a child dying is wrong. Children are full of life, of promise, of hope. We look at them and see the future (cue a Whitney Houston classic) so when they die our brains struggle to process that information. We all expect to die long before our children or the children of people we know.
For so many people this isn’t the case.
I definitely do not speak for anyone except myself when I say this. I don’t even claim to speak for Steve, he may be my partner but we process and feel things differently.
My son is not an angel. If that is how angels are made then I’m about to get incredibly blasphemous.
I like the idea that Stephen is playing in the stars with other babies who were gone too soon. One in particular, who was next to him in PICU and who’s parents are two of the most amazing people I’ve met, is a little girl I like to imagine him spending his days with. I try and think that he is waiting for me, that one day I’ll hold him again.
Some days I can hold on to this. Most days now there is just a gaping void and well meaning phrases.
I’m sorry if when you ask if I have children and I tell you I have a son, but he died, you feel awkward. I’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable that my baby is dead.
Except I’m not. If it makes you uncomfortable to hear, try and comprehend a little of how I feel with it being my reality. You can shake it off, move on and go about your day. For me, my son will always have died.
I’m also not sorry because I’m glad you don’t understand and can still be uncomfortable. If you understood then you would have experienced this too and I don’t wish it on anyone.
Please don’t avoid speaking his name because of your discomfort. Please don’t say it’s too hard for you to hear about him. Speaking about him is all I have left.
Our HRHS Journey 