angel mum – Our HRHS Journey

Happy New Year?

I have never been someone who gets excited for new year. I think I’ve been to about three new year’s house parties, all of which were disastrous and ended with me sober, cleaning other people’s vomit as the clock hit 12. These days I like to be in PJ’s, on the sofa and watching theContinue reading “Happy New Year?”

I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable.

TW. Because I understand that other loss parents may find this hard to read. I don’t want to upset anyone or bring back trauma. My baby is dead. He isn’t sleeping, he isn’t “at rest”, he certainly isn’t in a “better place” because the best place would be here, with us. He is dead. IContinue reading “I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable.”

“I don’t know how you’ve survived”

I’ll be completely honest, I haven’t survived losing my son. The Eleanor that walked into the theatre to have him delivered never left that room. A new person was wheeled out and spent the next 20 days at his bedside. The moment his ventilator was taken away and he left us forever, a new versionContinue reading ““I don’t know how you’ve survived””

A year.

Today, September 7th 2021, marks a year to the day that we went for an early scan and saw you for the first time. Your dad had to sit 2m away from me and all I wanted was to hold his hand. Seeing his face when he saw you for the first time, little Sprout,Continue reading “A year.”

The Fear

I guess I haven’t written for a while because I am struggling. There is nothing more to say really, other than what I’ve already said. My son is dead and I am broken. I saw a quote a few years ago, when my brother died, that likened grief to fear. I didn’t understand it fullyContinue reading “The Fear”

Please, don’t forget him.

You’re warned that after the funeral the support will die down. The funeral is the marker for when life is expected to revert to normal and you’re expected to pick yourself up and carry on. I guess to a great extent this is true. I’m in no way saying that people don’t care anymore, butContinue reading “Please, don’t forget him.”

It’s not ok.

I’ve mentioned phrases that I wholeheartedly hate in previous posts, but today I want to talk about one that I’d like to scream from the rooftops. It’s ok to not be ok. I think we’re all guilty of ignoring our own emotions and putting on a brave face to friends and family. As time goesContinue reading “It’s not ok.”

Coming Home

We picked our son up on July 2nd and brought him home. Something we both held on to while in hospital with Stephen was the image of Steve carrying him out the doors in his car seat. On the days that felt hopeless I imagined my boys stepping into the sunshine together. I pictured thatContinue reading “Coming Home”

Say His Name.

My little boy existed. He may have only been with us for 20 days. He may not have met anyone but his parents, Grandparents and the staff in hospital, but he existed. My son may not have laughed, smiled or said his first words. He never took a step, felt the breeze on his faceContinue reading “Say His Name.”

Guilt: Episode Two

There is some guilt that I will never shake. It will follow me around like a black cloud wherever I go. This is that guilt. I imagine I am not alone in feeling this. If you are a NICU parent, whether your baby came home or not, I imagine you have felt something similar. IfContinue reading “Guilt: Episode Two”