Say His Name.

My little boy existed.

He may have only been with us for 20 days. He may not have met anyone but his parents, Grandparents and the staff in hospital, but he existed.

My son may not have laughed, smiled or said his first words. He never took a step, felt the breeze on his face or started school. He never chose a career, traveled the world or found a partner to share his life with, but he existed.

My little boy was part of this world, he is part of this universe and he will always be a part of my life. I will always be his mother, he will always be my son.

I understand it’s hard to know what to say to a bereaved parent. I understand how you may feel lost or uncomfortable, until recently I was on your side of the conversation.

I don’t expect you to quiz me on him, mention him with every breath, but please, say his name. Let me know you acknowledge him, his impact and importance.

You will never “remind” me that I lost a child. I live with that knowledge and agony and feel it with every beat of my heart. You won’t upset me, nothing can make me more upset than I already feel. If you mention my child, like you would if he was with us, you are showing me you remember him, that he was here. You make me feel like a mum. I will love you a little more for it.

Whether your friend has lost a baby early in pregnancy, or a child in adulthood, say their name. Follow your friend’s lead, or ask them how they want their child acknowledged. Everyone is different and has different ways of coping but I promise you, recognising their child will let them know you care.

If you have a child or a baby you can’t hold, perhaps one you never got to meet, I will always listen to you tell me about them. Tell me their name, your hopes, your love for them. I will scream it with you from the rooftops if that is what you want. They existed. They matter.

Thank you to the people who don’t treat my son like the elephant in the room. Thank you for telling me how beautiful he was, for listening to the few stories I have about his time with us. Thank you.

My child existed. He changed our world forever and his name deserves to be heard. It makes my heart happy to hear it from the mouths of other people.

So say his name, Stephen Alexander Howells, forever 20days old, my son and the best thing to happen to me.