Guilt: Episode Two

There is some guilt that I will never shake. It will follow me around like a black cloud wherever I go. This is that guilt.

I imagine I am not alone in feeling this. If you are a NICU parent, whether your baby came home or not, I imagine you have felt something similar. If you have, the words I wish I could believe about myself I mean with all of my heart to you:

You are and were everything your child needed at that time. You are strong, brave and amazing. Your child or children felt nothing but love and safety with you. You are enough.

While Stephen was in hospital I was a mess. I really struggled to go and see him, I would have a breakdown everytime Steve left for his visitation and a number of evenings I was such a mess I couldn’t even make it to the hospital to say goodnight. I will never forgive myself for this.

I feel like I let my son down, that I didn’t do enoug, say enough, hold him enough. I feel I should have been with him 24/7 and that everytime he opened his eyes I was there, letting him know he was safe.

Instead I had hours where I would cry in bed at Ronald McDonald House, alone. I was terrified my son was going to die. I was terrified I wasn’t enough. I was convinced I wasn’t producing enough milk, that I hadn’t told him I loved him enough, that he woke in the night and looked for me. I was scared that I wasn’t bonding with him, that to him I was no different to the nurses who cared for him. I was scared he didn’t know how much I loved him.

I was scared.

I still feel all of those things. I look back and think of how I failed him. How I should have grown him better, how I should have fought to be discharged sooner so he didn’t have his first night in this world without his mum. I look back to the times in PICU I was sat reading or talking to people and doing nothing but hold his hand. I should have been talking to him, telling him how special he was, how loved he was and all about his family.

I should have done more.

I should have been better.

I don’t think any of that guilt will ever leave. If another parent ever said any of that to me about their journey I would tell them they were wrong, that they did everything they could in impossible circumstances. Yet I compare myself to other parents, even to Steve who I wholeheartedly believe was a far better parent to Sprout than I was.

So, Stephen Alexander, I am sorry. I am sorry I wasn’t enough when you needed me. At the very least, I am sorry that my emotions managed to come between our time together. You deserved so much more than I could give you.

And to any other parent who had felt like this, you are not alone. You are enough and you can always message me to cry or rant or tell me your story. I will listen, I won’t ever judge and I will do what I can to help you carry the weight of your experience.