I’ll be completely honest, I haven’t survived losing my son. The Eleanor that walked into the theatre to have him delivered never left that room. A new person was wheeled out and spent the next 20 days at his bedside. The moment his ventilator was taken away and he left us forever, a new versionContinue reading ““I don’t know how you’ve survived””
Tag Archives: mum guilt
The Fear
I guess I haven’t written for a while because I am struggling. There is nothing more to say really, other than what I’ve already said. My son is dead and I am broken. I saw a quote a few years ago, when my brother died, that likened grief to fear. I didn’t understand it fullyContinue reading “The Fear”
Guilt: Episode Two
There is some guilt that I will never shake. It will follow me around like a black cloud wherever I go. This is that guilt. I imagine I am not alone in feeling this. If you are a NICU parent, whether your baby came home or not, I imagine you have felt something similar. IfContinue reading “Guilt: Episode Two”
I don’t feel like peopling today.
Admittedly I have never been a social butterfly. I have friends who I adore and have all the time in the world for. I love them like family and will drop almost anything to catch some rare time with them. None of us are geographically close anymore so our time is precious. These days, however,Continue reading “I don’t feel like peopling today.”
I’m genuinely happy for you.
If you are pregnant, I wish you a smooth, healthy pregnancy. I hope the morning sickness eases and you get that elusive 2nd trimester glow. I hope baby behaves for their scans and you’re only given good news. I hope your midwives are lovely and your doctor’s kind. I hope your labour is everything youContinue reading “I’m genuinely happy for you.”
Guilt. Episode One.
Guilt and grief seem to go hand in hand, at least for me. Here are some of the things that I have found trigger the guilt. This is something deeply personal and everyone will be affected differently by their experiences and emotions. “How are you still standing? I don’t think I’d be able to getContinue reading “Guilt. Episode One.”
Drowning
We go back to work tomorrow. I can’t quite decide how that makes me feel. Apprehensive? Anxious? Relieved to have a little bit of “normal” when everything else feels so alien? Guilt for “getting on” with life? Probably a little bit of all of it. Grief is a fluid emotion. It ebbs and flows aroundContinue reading “Drowning”
Missing You
7 weeks ago you completed our family. 4 weeks ago you left us. In the early hours of the morning, the quiet at 3am, when sleep evades me, I see us watching your consultant try and keep your tiny heart beating. I can see the scrubbed up nurses and doctors stood around the cot thatContinue reading “Missing You”
Introducing Stephen Alexander Howells
Day 2: I am writing this from the hotel room, two days after our family was completed with the arrival of (& this may be me being bias) the world’s most beautiful little boy. The birth story isn’t particularly traumatic but it wasn’t straightforward either. It turns out, baby is a bit of a dramaContinue reading “Introducing Stephen Alexander Howells”
It’s a date!
Last Wednesday was not only my 33wk mark but also the day I found out when they’ll start the process of baby coming into the world! I have, after what feels like an age though I know it isn’t, got my induction date. My first experience of the hospital, when it comes to my ownContinue reading “It’s a date!”
Our HRHS Journey 