It’s not ok.

I’ve mentioned phrases that I wholeheartedly hate in previous posts, but today I want to talk about one that I’d like to scream from the rooftops.

It’s ok to not be ok.

I think we’re all guilty of ignoring our own emotions and putting on a brave face to friends and family. As time goes on especially it is very easy to fall into the trap of “faking it”. We smile when expected, say we’re ‘coping’ or ‘doing fine’ when asked and let the world think we’re getting on with life.

Often we are then falling apart in secret. Personally I find myself breaking down when I’m in the bath, driving alone or even just in the few minutes I have to myself when I pop upstairs to get something.

I don’t want to cry in front of people. I don’t like crying in front of my partner or my family let alone anyone outside of that circle. I don’t like showing too much emotion, it’s just not who I am.

I tend to bury my feelings instead of dealing with them but this is something I can’t ignore. I’ve tried and it’s catching up with me.

I can’t look at a picture of Stephen without crying. Even thinking his name causes my eyes to begin to water. I am, admittedly, becoming a bit of a wreck.

Because of all this I am exerting even more energy in faking it in public. I have had clients who didn’t know we’d lost him ask after him at work and I can hold it together enough to tell them, but pay for it once I’m home. It takes all of my energy to human. I am exhausted from holding it all together.

So this is me, admitting that I am very much not ok. I have started the process of asking for help via my GP. Something that I found incredibly difficult to do (and was made much easier by having a wonderful doctor to talk to). I have had counselling before, I’ve been on medication in the past. It isn’t something to be ashamed of, nor is it something that makes us weak.

I hope that by admitting I am not ok, by laying that side of me bare, it may encourage someone else to reach out and get the help they need.

You are not alone.