Not Everything Happens for a Reason

“You’re only sent that which you’re strong enough to cope with”

“Everything happens for a reason”

“Special babies are only given to special parents”

I don’t mean to offend anyone when I say that to me, those sayings, and any similar, are horseshit.

I don’t actually believe I am strong enough to cope with the death of my child. I do not ‘cope’ with it. I have no choice but to survive the circumstances, to go through the motions of life.

I certainly don’t believe everything happens for a reason. No one has yet been able to give me a reason why my son had to die. What possible reason could there be for him being so sick, only to lose his fight before even being with us for a month. The next person who tells me that will be asked to provide one. I’m done with being polite and sympathetic to their feelings.

Why did I have to have a ‘special’ baby? Why did he have to suffer to show me how ‘special’ I am? Why can’t I have had a healthy, average, ‘normal’ baby? Why? His heart condition made him sick. It hurt him, made every day a fight. I’m not special. I am normal. Broken. Angry. I love my son. I wouldn’t have changed having him. I would, however, have changed his illness. I would have taken that away from him. He didn’t need to be ‘special’, he needed to stay with me.

Those words may well brong comfort to some, and that’s ok. I don’t believe they shouldn’t be allowed to find comfort in those phrases. It just doesn’t mean I have to agree. So please, think about how you would feel being told similar. Understand that not everyone will believe that the world has a wider purpose for forcing them through the very thing that goes against nature, a child dying before their parent.

Remember, grief isn’t a one size fits all scenario. Every single person will walk a different path. That’s ok. Those of us walking it understand your words come from a good place, so please repay the consideration and don’t be offended if we ask you not to say certain things. We know you want to help, but words hold power and we would rather you followed our lead and understood that we may not always want to hear what you have to say.